When They Stumble

Tell them apart before you act. The one who has fallen (caught in a fault — an old addiction back, an affair, a lie exposed): what he needs is to be restored. The word in Galatians 6:1 was originally used for setting a dislocated bone back in place and for mending a torn net — the aim is restoration, not accountability. The one who has been wounded (by the church, or even by you): what he needs first is an apology and a hearing, not exhortation; rubbing "you should submit" into the wound like salt only scrubs a person out the door. The one who has left (who has thought it through and does not believe for now, or does not want to): what he needs is for no bridges to be burned — the door stays open, the meals go on, the praying does not stop. Give all three the same medicine and you will be wrong at least twice.

Step one: go, while you are still gentle. Go privately (Matt 18:15), as early as possible, with no judge's expression on your face. The opening line only needs to be one sentence: "I'm not here to check up on you, I'm here to see you. Have you eaten?"

Step two: hear him out, then speak. Let him say all of it — the facts, the shame, the excuses — and then do not go around it: call sin sin, but use the grammar of "we" (I have fallen into this pit too, and could again), because the second half of Galatians 6:1 is a warning aimed at you and me: "looking to yourself so that you also aren't tempted."

Step three: walk the road back together. Go with him to do what is hardest to do alone right now: the prayer of confession (the path in Volume 1's Lesson 14 — 1 John 1:9), the apology to whoever is owed one, the return to the gathering (the first time, walk in beside him). The sign of restoration is not "he cried"; it is that he is back among the word, prayer and the body.

Jesus's three questions are the template for these three steps: another charcoal fire — matching the night Peter denied him three times; one question for each denial, and yet no dragging up of the past; and at the end the mission put back into his hands: feed my sheep. The end of restoration is not "don't let it happen again," it is being sent out again.

This boundary will save you, and save him: you are a companion, not a savior — that position is taken. Addiction (gambling, alcohol, drugs, pornography) needs more than resolve; it needs a pastor's covering plus professional help. Medical care and counseling are not weakness of faith, and referring him on is not your failure, it is the next step of loving him. If he says anything about harming himself, do not carry it alone: tell a pastor that same day; in the United States you can call the 988 crisis line. Hold your own limits too: a steady rhythm of visiting, yes; twenty-four-hour availability, no. Praying for him, yes; paying off his gambling debts, no. Put him into the hands of the Lord who asked three times — he knows people who have fallen better than you do, and he is better at restoring them.