Lesson 71 · Unit 11 · Inside the Front Door
Honoring Parents — In Their Lifetime, and After
Honoring parents cannot be hollowed out by a rule — care for them while they live, remember them once they are gone.
Open
In one week, two bills landed on his phone one after another.
Tuesday: the hospital deposit slip for his mother — bone density scan, contrast imaging, a care attendant's fee, the payment window queue stretching around the corner of the corridor. Friday: a relay message in the clan group chat back home. The ancestral house is being refurbished, each branch of the family pays its share, the tablets are to be set up again and a master consulted for an auspicious date. "Two thousand per branch. Add your name below."
Care for the living and rites for the dead, colliding in the same week on one Christian. Which bill should he pay? Which should he not? And sharper still, that half-joking line in the group chat: "People who believe in Jesus — do they stop acknowledging their ancestors?"
This lesson takes the two bills apart and looks at them one at a time.
Scripture
The first commandment in the Ten with a promise attached, and an argument about hollowing it out in the name of an offering. (Exodus 20:12, WEB)
12“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which Yahweh your God gives you.
9He said to them, “Full well do you reject the commandment of God, that you may keep your tradition.
10For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother;’ and, ‘He who speaks evil of father or mother, let him be put to death.’
11But you say, ‘If a man tells his father or his mother, “Whatever profit you might have received from me is Corban,”’” that is to say, given to God,
12“then you no longer allow him to do anything for his father or his mother,
13making void the word of God by your tradition which you have handed down. You do many things like this.”
See
Honoring parents is God's own command
When someone says that believing in Jesus means being an unfilial child, open the Ten Commandments: the first four concern people toward God, the last six concern people toward people — and the very first of the ones about people is "Honor your father and your mother" (Ex 20:12). Paul calls it "the first commandment with a promise" (Eph 6:2). Honoring your parents is not the private property of Confucius; it is spoken by the God who made you. What made Jesus angry in Mark 7 was exactly the maneuver that hollowed this commandment out: declare the money owed to your parents "Corban" — given to God — and you are respectably off the hook for your own mother and father. Using spiritual language to escape supporting your parents earns Jesus' verdict: "making void the word of God." The maneuver has new phrasing today: "I'm busy serving at church," "I've given this to the Lord." Hear the Lord's position clearly: ministry does not settle the account of caring for parents; "let them learn first to show piety toward their own family," and that is what is acceptable in God's sight (1 Tim 5:4).
Honoring them in their lifetime, and doing it with limits
Honoring parents while they live comes down to three practical things: money, presence, and being part of the big decisions. When an only child is being pulled in two directions at once, Scripture does not think lightly of that — do what you can do first, and entrust what you cannot. Honoring is doing your utmost; it is not being able to do everything. For the difficulties of three generations under one roof, and of daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law, pick up Lesson 64: honor and boundaries can stand together, and cross-shaped submission is not the same as unlimited endurance. Some things are better said by your spouse; some arrangements should be decided by the whole family together. When an older relative's anger has been grinding you down for a long time, stepping back and setting a limit is not a failure of honor — it is what lets this honoring go the distance. Every household's situation is different, and the specifics are worth working out together with a pastor.
After they are gone: remembrance, or worship
Now to the second bill. There is only one thing that has to be kept straight — the object. The object of remembrance is a person; the object of worship can only be God. So there is a great deal you can do: sweep the grave, clear the weeds, lay flowers, hold a memorial, tell the family's stories, put the genealogy in order, give thanks to God for the relatives still living. These are remembrance and honor, and Scripture does not merely permit them; it encourages us not to forget where we came from. What cannot be done is clear too: praying to the dead, burning offerings to them, asking them about fortune or misfortune or for their protection — these put a created person in God's place. Someone asks: if I don't burn incense, where do I put what is in my heart? Put it on the living. Your forebears can no longer receive a stick of incense, but the parents who are still here can receive a phone call, a meal, money for their living expenses — "generous while they live, modest at the burial," and here the old proverb and the Bible shake hands. As for the accusation of being unfilial, you can answer gently: the God I believe in is the one who commanded me to honor my parents; it is not that I fail to remember them, it is that I do not worship them — and then let ten years of honoring them bear witness to that sentence.
Deeper
The fifth commandment (Ex 20:12)
first among the commandments about people, and the first with a promise attached; honoring parents comes from God's own mouth.
Corban (Mark 7:11)
dodging support for your parents under the banner of "it's already been given" — voiding the word of God with spiritual phrasing, ancient and modern alike.
Remembrance and worship
the line runs through the object: remembrance belongs to your forebears, worship belongs to God alone; sweeping a grave and laying flowers, yes; burning offerings and praying to them, no.
Honor and boundaries
doing your utmost is not being able to do everything, and submission is not unlimited endurance; Lesson 64's work holds here too.
Entrusting a mother from the cross (John 19:26-27)
Jesus arranged for his mother's care even as he was dying; the eldest Son who honored his mother to his last breath.
Story
Lao Jiang is a shift leader in a brewery workshop in Shaoxing, and an only son. After his mother's stroke, he and his wife brought her home to live with them. Following a long conversation with their pastor they set a few boundaries: a care attendant during the day, the two of them hands-on in the evenings and on weekends. He stepped down from one of his ministries at church. Some members murmured quietly that his love for the Lord had slipped, but the preacher clapped him on the shoulder after the service: "Let them learn first to show piety toward their own family — what you are doing right now is ministry."
On the anniversary of his father's death, the elders of the clan asked him to come to the temple and burn paper offerings. He did not go. He laid a table of food at home, and told his son, story by story, about his father going into the factory as an apprentice at sixteen, and giving away his padded coat to a workmate in the dead of winter. Then he stood up and prayed a prayer of thanksgiving for his grandmother and for the whole family.
As the table broke up, his aunt took his arm and said, "You don't burn the paper, and you remember him better than the ones who do."
Respond
Reflect — alone, or talk it through together
1In Mark 7:9-13, why is Jesus angry? What phrasing might today's "Corban" take in your own mouth?
2Of the three things owed to living parents — money, presence, participation — which do you fall shortest on? And where did a boundary most recently get overrun?
3If a relative says "believing in Jesus means turning your back on your parents," having read this lesson, how are you prepared to answer — and what actions are you prepared to answer with?
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Pray together
God who yourself commanded "Honor your father and your mother": forgive my spiritual alibis — settling the account with busyness, covering my eyes with offerings. Your Son on the cross was still thinking about where his mother would live, and I often begrudge a single phone call its length. Give me diligence in honoring them while they live, wisdom in setting limits, and gentleness when I am accused. The relatives who have already died I put into your hands; the ones still living, teach me to honor while today lasts. Amen.
Walk
This week's actionabout 20 min
Do one concrete act of honor for a living parent or older relative: a phone call you don't watch the clock on, going with them to a hospital appointment, money for their living costs, a meal you cook with your own hands. If your parents have died, write down one grace you received from them and give thanks to God for it, and get in touch with an older relative who is still living.
Mark it when it happens — this week, at your pace.
Spiritual practice
Every day this week, pray one sentence for your parents by name (parents-in-law included). With the one you have wronged, start by thanking God for one thing about them.
Memory verse · Exodus 20:12
Honoryourfatherandyourmother,thatyourdaysmaybelonginthelandwhichYahwehyourGodgivesyou.
Walk further
the entrusting of a mother at the cross; burial and remembrance in Bible times; Lesson 64's work on boundaries; the marriage-and-family thread; and the essay that answers the "unfilial" misunderstanding.